Jelly: Back where it began
by beginner.123
Summary: Rejection, hurt and longing collide at the beach where Jelly began.


Tilly worked on her drawing with a weary and resigned smile. She'd taken the train out to the beach because in some way being there made her feel closer to Jen. She'd even come back to the spot where they had sat that day. It had been weeks since they'd talked. Seeing Jen around college was exhausting; at first glance she felt a sweet release only for the weight of realisation to bear down again. She could love this woman but could not be with her.

Her body ached with the anxiety of it. Checking her phone had become an obsessive ritual. But hurt had given way to anger now and rejection was keeping her from breaking the boundary between them. How could Jen cut her out so easily?

She put her pad down, curled into herself and rested her chin on her knees. She thought for the millionth time of Jen's smile and remembered the softness of her lips when they'd kissed. She shook her head and closed her eyes. _'I can't keep doing this to myself'_.

'Penny for them?'

Tilly's head snapped around, shock overwhelming her senses:

'What are you...?'

Tightness grabbed at Jen's chest as she spoke, she felt sick. She couldn't believe Tilly was here; already she was stopping herself from reaching out to touch her:

'I've been coming here a lot. I didn't know you'd be here. '

The statement felt like a slap. Tilly stood: 'I'll go.'

'No, that's not what I meant. Stay. Please.'

Jen stared Tilly in the eye and drunk in the closeness of her. Tilly, unyielding as ever, stared back. Each waited for the other to speak.

Jen caved first: 'Can we sit down and talk? I've missed you so much.'

Jen didn't think there was any point in making polite conversation, she couldn't if she tried. _I've missed you_ were the only words she could find at that moment, because it was all she could think. Her eyes pleaded and it was a look that Tilly knew all too well, usually when Jen was asking her to stay away. The thought bubbled inside her as she sighed and sat down.

They watched the sea together in silence. Jen turned her face to Tilly's:

'How've you been?'

'How do you _think_ I've been?'

The words stung Jen. She knew she was walking a tightrope here. She waited:

'Well if you've been anything like me you'll have been miserable. I can't stop thinking about you.'

Momentarily disarmed, Tilly's eyes began to water:

'Don't do this again. I can't go through the last few weeks again. Nothing has changed; you don't want to be with me.'

She knew Tilly was angling for a reaction and against her better judgement Jen gave it to her: 'How can you say that? You know I want to be with you.'

Tilly wanted a fight; she was tired of constantly trying to pacify Jen:

'No, you don't. You tell me you want me and then you push me away. I understand your reasons, even if I don't agree with them. But you have to stop playing these games Jen, it hurts too much. If you won't be with me, fine, but leave me be, let me move on.'

Jen was stunned; '_she wants to move on_?' Suddenly she was terrified by the thought:

'I don't want you to move on! Jesus Tilly, if I could be with you I would; don't act like you don't know that. You want to move on?'

'Yes I do! I want to be with someone who actually wants to be with me! You've made your choice; you can't expect to be able to keep me dangling on a thread. You're doing it now for God's sake! In a minute you'll leave, you'll have put me through this _again_, and for what? Is this an exercise in massaging your ego or something?' She knew it was a cheap shot but she wanted Jen to hurt, wanted her to know how much she was hurting.

'That isn't fair Tilly and you know it. Why can't you just wait?'

'Why_ can_ you wait?' Tilly snapped, 'Where does that leave us? We can't just be friends and we can't be together. So we're nothing. Eventually the time will drive us apart, we'll both move on. You know, for someone so condescending about my supposed lack of maturity you can be incredibly naive.'

The tears came for Jen now. She looked down at her hands; Tilly had taken the fight out of her. She spoke in a half whisper, almost to herself: 'I won't move on.'

But Tilly was in full swing:

'Oh you will, you're perfectly capable of switching off your emotions, you've proven that. Be realistic, this is hardly the most stable of foundations. On top of everything else we've only known each other a few months.'

Jen couldn't look up: 'Stop it Tilly. Don't talk about this as if it's meaningless.'

'Then stop treating me as if I'm meaningless.'

Every fibre of Tilly's being betrayed what she was saying but hurt was clouding her emotions and hell, why shouldn't Jen take the hit for once? She couldn't risk waiting on her again, the fall was too great. There had been too many falls already. She looked away. A minute passed before she felt Jen's hand on her chin gently pulling her face around. Jen held her with a steady gaze, her voice calm.

'Tilly. Listen to me. I'm telling you, I won't move on. I love you.'

Jen knew that if she tried to back away again she would lose Tilly for good, she was losing her already. It had made her realise that she was in. She was all in.

Tilly froze, torn between telling Jen how she really felt and protecting herself. Her mind was racing: _'she'll hurt me, she'll back out, don't do this'_. The scars – in such a short amount of time - were already too deep. She reached up to gently move Jen's hand from her face, barely believing what she was about to say: 'Jen, I can't...'

'Please Tilly...'

'No, you don't understand, you'll change your mind.'

'I won't.'

'You will, I know you...'

'Tilly I've told you'

'I can't risk it again, I...'

Jen's mouth was on Tilly's before she could say anything else. Weeks of sadness and hurt melted into every frantic kiss as their tongues collided. Tilly let out the slightest moan, resistance shattered, her hand travelling to Jen's thigh and slipping just under the hem of her dress. She held it there and broke away, salty tears lining her cheeks. She rested her forehead on Jen's and whispered:

'I love you too, you know I love you.'

Jen smiled:

'Well that's a relief.'

Their heads still touching, Tilly closed her eyes:

'I'm scared Jen.'

Jen kissed Tilly slowly and tenderly, softly biting her lower lip. She snaked a hand around Tilly's waist and edged her top up just an inch so she could feel her skin. The gesture sent a shiver up Tilly's spine.

'You have nothing to be scared of. I'll find a way to make this work Tilly, I promise. I'm so sorry I've hurt you. I never want to hurt you.'

Tilly gently planted a single kiss of forgiveness on Jen's lips and shuffled between her legs, leaning back into her. Jen clasped her arms around Tilly and they held hands, quietly looking out at the waves and stealing occasional kisses. The circumstances were far from straightforward, but in this moment their love felt like the simplest thing in the world.


End file.
